I will be filing the petition for the return of my son on Monday. I am filing it myself, and will be representing myself as my own attorney as it proceeds.
And then I am going to call out the adoption agencies one by one.

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Nathan’s Fund

I cannot get the paypal button working yet, but here is the link to the paypal site: http://www.paypal.com

My email is emily-crawford@hotmail.com. I think that’s all you need to send money if you already have a paypal account.

Thank you everyone who has offered to help with donations! I love you all!

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Thank you everyone for the views and comments and support. I began this page, but don’t know how good I will be at keeping it up at this time in my life. All my energy is still in the trauma and horror and heartache I’m feeling each day, and the fight for the return of my son. I wanted the page to be a tribute to my son, and I wanted to begin to get it all out and connect with other women who have experienced this, and eventually I wanted to begin fighting against adoption altogether.

Today I was feeling down and defeated and like I would never be with my son again. But the comments and emails I just read gave me encouragement and more hope, so thank you. I’ll do my best to stay afloat.

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I was going to begin this page with a poem I wrote after the abortion of my daughter (Many years ago I had an early pregnancy abortion so I didn’t know her gender, but I feel that my baby would have been a girl, so I call her my daughter. When I had the abortion I believed the counselors and some scientific things that I read about the baby not being formed yet – probably written by the abortion industry itself. It was later that I realized a baby’s heart beats at 30 days! And I have been mortified and devastated ever since). But something happened last night that is now taking precedence and is at the forefront of my mind.

The adoptive parents of my son Nathan, named Anthony by them although I refuse to call him that, sent me an email yesterday. They told me that his circumcision took place last week and that we should wait to discuss our next visit until after his follow-up appointment at the end of August. I was immediately filled with rage, and my heart and entire body sunk to the ground. So many different emotions, a multitude of emotions and thoughts so strong, in so many different directions flooded me, and have been flooding me ever since. I don’t know where to begin writing about them. I can’t focus on all of them now. I will just say the initial feelings I had, of rage and anger. He is MY son. How dare they tell me that I cannot see him now, especially at a time when he is probably feeling pain. They used the word ‘discuss’ – saying, “we will discuss our next visit” as if I am a stranger, or some unwelcome company to my own son. I am feeling such feelings of anger and disgust towards them. They are clueless to the enormity of my pain and frustration. They are being overly protective of him, as if they are the rightful owners of my son. From their viewpoint, that must come naturally for them and feel right. From my standpoint, it is wrong. I see them as wrongly assuming that they are his true parents. I see them as caretakers and not as real parents. To put me off like that, and to keep him from seeing me also is outrageous and absurd to me.

You see, I want this adoption to end. I want my son back, and I wanted him back immediately after the adoption, and ever since. I didn’t want to do the adoption at all but was mired in a mess of adoption counselors and others who somehow gained control over me. They got control over me because earlier in my pregnancy I was thinking about adoption.  had no job and no money and no support. So I spoke to an adoption agency. By the time I was seven months pregnant I knew I didn’t want to do the adoption, but I had a hard time telling people straight out because I was afraid of them and felt indebted to them. When I finally spoke out after the birth…..I don’t even want to go there right now. But the adoption happened and I hired an attorney to fight for my son’s return, but after a month he told me he could not take the case because the adoption was filed in a county that he could not travel too. I have contacted a new attorney now, but everything is on hold for the time being. I have not been able to make contact with him yet, and there are other reasons.

I feel the adoption of my son is wrong, and I am taking it one day at a time, feeling the fight coming back in me, and waiting for direction from God and my own heart to tell me what to do next. One of the things I know I need to do now is begin to start speaking up against adoption agencies and some of the viewpoints in our societies. I want to stand up for all the poor children whose real parents felt they could not care for them and found out later that they could care for them, but their children now need to grow up in another families home. I want my son to know that I love him so much, and that I am so sorry for what happened. How could I have been so weak as to not be able to stand up to them? I was confused and misled and pressured. I was manipulated and in a state of shock and hysteria when it was happening.  But my own faults and fears had a part in what happened too. My own faults and fears led up to it and allowed others to take advantage of me. I feel shame and guilt about what I have done. I ask God forgiveness every day. And I pray that my son will be okay every day. But even so, I know I have to do something. I have to do something to keep as many unnecessary adoptions from occurring as possible. I need to call out the agencies who have basically turned into baby traders now. I need to share my true feelings on all of this and I hope to give others an opportunity to share theirs, without pretending everything is all fine and dandy and for the best. I am sick of people telling me that what happened is okay. I don’t want anyone’s advice or opinions on the topic anymore. I know what I believe. I know what I feel is right. I know why these things have happened, and how they happen to others too. I know what is wrong with us and our culture that causes all of this in the first place. I understand that each situation is entirely unique, but I know I speak for mine and many others, even if not for everyone.

Here I come world. Let’s put an end to all of the unnecessary pain and loss. Let’s make our children live and know that they are loved by us even though we made terrible mistakes, and were coerced, pressured, threatened, and/or misled into these terrible things, or even if we really did them because we thought they were best but then they ended up causing terrible pain for many people.

I love you Nathan! I will find a way for us to see each other soon!

But I also have to remember that God has his reasons and his own timing. I am trying to stay in touch with Him and tell him I trust him, and not go into too much of a fight on my own. I know He has his purposes for the email that my son’s caretakers sent me, whether it’s to spark me to life, increase my patience, punish me for not obeying Him enough, or something else entirely that I am not aware of yet.

Now, I have some other personal journal writing to attend to, and then later this evening, send the appropriate response to the email. I do not know the appropriate response yet. I wrote about ten drafts to them last night all angry rants at how I really felt, but knew it was not best to send those. I am going to call them to see how my son is doing from his circumcision. I was so worried about him having it. I really didn’t want him too. It seems like a barbaric horrible thing to do to a child, which is why I elected not to have it done in the hospital, but I know other people say that the child will be embarrassed when he gets older if he’s not circumcised and then some people say that it’s healthier and cleaner, though I don’t believe that and have read that it is not true. I know people were circumcised in the Bible also, but I believe Jesus (actually Paul) told us that it’s a circumcision of the Spirit that is the important thing. I don’t intend for this site to become a site of religious controversy. I believe in Christ, and will speak His word as it applies to my life and will encourage others to look into it also. But I welcome any faith beliefs or zero faith beliefs on this blog. We can all work together right now from all of our own person perspectives at this point. But I will tell you that without God, without Christ, I would not be getting through this adoption at all.

Thank you for reading and listening. And have a blessed day.

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This site is dedicated to my two lost children. Children lost through abortion and adoption. This page is a tribute to them. And a tribute to all of the other lost children, children lost to abortion and adoption. This page is a place for the parents of lost children to share their feelings and thoughts, and to share the memories and lives of their children.

I no longer believe in abortion. I no longer believe in adoption – except under the most dire and necessary circumstances, and not at all how it is currently practiced in this country and abroad. But I did these things somehow. I want to share my story of how these things happened to me, my feelings about why they happen to so many of us and how they have somehow become acceptable in our culture and in our world. I want to call out the agencies and all the people involved in making these decisions possible, and for all the people who actually make these decisions for us through lies, pressure, manipulation, duress, and by taking advantage of vulnerable people. But most importantly I just want to give memory and honor and existence and love to my children – they did not deserve the lot they got. Two beautiful wonderful babies – whom I miss so much. I want these losses to stop. I don’t want anyone else to ever have to experience loss like this. Anyone who has experienced these losses knows the pain, the horror – the UNNECESSARY pain and horror. And that is only our pain. I think about the pain of my children! our children! The pain of all the children who have died dreadful deaths, or are wondering why their real parents did not raise them and take care of them. Why are these things legal? Why is there an entire generation or two that have grown up thinking these things are acceptable options for pregnancy? It is so sick!

This page is a tribute to my children, and all other children, lost to abortion and adoption. Please come and share your pain and give tribute to them with me.

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